Monday, 13 February 2012

Susan can be a little ... obnoxiously bitchy! (Step-family chronicles)

My partner returns from his access visit with his daughter. Which logically I know is necessary, right, nurturing to his child, the done thing… and all that. But the old green eye dude seems to want to cloud my logical brain stems. So he comes home and I can’t help making bitchy comments. She has bought a Harry Potter book at the market. I have to bag the choice, thinking to myself, will this child ever grow up? I know it’s about me. Also tied to the fact that his daughters have chosen not to have anything to do with me, refusing to see their father if I am going to be there. I take it personally. It has to be about me, about my worthiness or unworthiness to be a part of their lives.

Is it unrealistic? We have been partners for nearly two years now, and I have seen these girls for a total of 3 times. The first was at a shopping centre. I asked my partner to consult his daughters if it would be okay to meet up with them. He didn’t. They resented it. No surprises there! The second, I came along to pick up the youngest from her piano lesson. Whoops. Obviously a bad decision as I have entered her territory without consultation… And the third was when I accompanied my partner to watch the youngest in a play. After that they refused all contact with us both for months. Now he has resumed access visits. At a time designated by the child. Every week. With no flexibility for coming to other events, with no opportunity for them to meet me or my children, to get over the jittery nerves that the unfamiliar provokes.

My initial enthusiasm in getting to know the girls included  choosing books they might like, sewing a bag for the youngest one, thinking of things we could do together according to their interests, imagining going places they liked, taking the dogs for walks. Maybe playing piano together, etc. All I can think of that time now is DELUSIONAL SUSAN!!!!!!! So when he comes back today, already tired, and it’s just the start of a day with him for me, and for my kids, I get cross. I find it hard to have empathy. I will push him and push him. And then later, will probably wonder how I managed to get myself into a step-family again, after the trials and tribulations of growing up in one myself. Some serious mental work needed!